It s who I am now
by hazelsnowdrop
Summary: Dean says goodbye to Sam.


It´s who I´am now 

Sam failed to summon Crowley. But he couldn´t leave the dungeon. He couldn´t leave the room, he locked his brother, for his own safety. The room which still smelt like Dean. A slight smell, which will wear off soon. Then he will never smell, the odor of his brother again. Sam´s brain was empty. He just stared at a spot, of the opposite wall without thinking. The worst thing wasn´t that he was alone. That their was no one, who would put a hand on his shoulder. Someone who would just sit with him and stare at nothing. No. The worst thing is that, Sam couldn´t been able to save his brother. If Dean is dead, Sam was dying.

Last year Amelia saved him. Not from the hunters life. For Sam hunting was, like Dean used to say the family business. The whole family gone the business fell apart. She and him had a normal life. Normal and safety, something he wanted when he was younger. But deep down he knew, even in Stanford he never fit in. Neither normalcy nor safety he carved anymore. He grew up on the road with his brother and learned, after their farther´s death wanting is dreaming. Hunters don´t dream. It´s stolen from then since childhood.

He´d be dead, if he hadn´t hit the dog with the car. It was supposed to be him bloody and broken. The car. His ride to his grave. He would never get to know her. She would never argue with him about taking care of the dog. About how irresponsible he was. He would never say yes. Not just Amelia saved him but also the dog. He had someone to take care of, which made him keep going. Few years back he had Ruby. She manipulated and used him but she was there.

Without Dean everything else didn´t matter. The food he eat tasted not bitter not spicy. The burgers or tacos didn´t water his mouth. The desserts didn´t taste sweet. The music didn´t make him sing along. Sam wanted to die to end all and be with Dean in Heaven or Hell. But Dean wasn´t dead. He was trapped in Purgatory. Their was no way for him, to know that Dean was stuck their. If Bobby was alive it would take him day´s,weeks maybe months. But in one of his old and dusty books he would find something.

Crowley and Dean were still in the bunker. Crowley siting and Dean lying on his bed, with his black eyes open. „Their is still humanity left in me. So go say goodby, to your brother." Crowley said. His voice sounded gentle and caring. Crowley couldn´t wait the day, the last trace of humanity left him. He was nice, emotional and all the other human emotions. Dean did as he was told. He stood from his bed and left the room. „Your eyes Dean," Crowley nearly shouted. Reminding Dean to change them into the original green.

Sam could hear footsteps. He thought Crowley was behind him. But when he turned around he saw Dean. He was shocked. How he thought. How could this be real ? Maybe he was just too drunk to see straight. „Sammy." Dean voice sounded soft. Like the way you speaking to a child. In that moment, he believed Dean returned from the dead.

„Dean." Sam´s voice came out weak. He could barely hold himself on his feet, as he tried to stand up. His own weight was too heavy for him to carry. Without asking how and why he went to embrace his brother. Sam hugged Dean tight not wanting to let him go. His head pressed at Dean´s cheek and his chin on Dean´s shoulder. His eyes pressed close. Minutes passed by. The longest embrace the brothers had.

„Their is something I need to tell you." Just a trick Sam thought. It was a bloody trick. I´am hallucinating. He let go of Dean and stepped back. „Listen to me Sammy. I can´t die. Whoever has the Mark cannot be killed. Cain tried. Do you know what happened to him ?" Sam was so confused. Why is he telling me this he thought. Every word coming out of Dean´s mouth sounded surreal. Nothing made sense to him. What is Dean trying to tell me? „I...I don´t...," Sam didn´t know what to say. Dean´s green eyes turned black. Scared of what he saw Sam jerked back. „He became a demon," Dean´s voice still soft.

„That´s not who you are," Sam tried to convince Dean. „Your not the next Cain." Even thought Dean wanted to say something else, he told his brother the truth. Even if it hurt like hell. It was time to tell the truth. He lied too much already. „Actually Sammy, yes I´am." Treating Sam like a little kid and lying to him ruined there relationship. From today on, there might not be a relationship to worry about.

Sam was getting angry now. „The hell Dean. How can you say that ? How...how can you be okay with it ? What if this is just another plan of Crowley´s. After all he is the one who brought this crap upon you." Dean ignored the little speech of Sam´s. It felt like soulless Sam all over again but this time it was him. „You thought, you were the freak in this family. Turns out I´am."

„So...what you...you gonna leave me for Crowley...and start a new life in hell ? What about you believing in freewill ?" Sam´s eyes were filled with tears. He shivered. The dungeon´s temperature was sinking. He hadn´t felt the cold before Dean showed up. Maybe the alcohol in his blood kept him warm. „I stopped believing in freewill, when god didn´t lift a damn finger." Dean patted Sam´s cheeks with both hands. Saying goodby without using the words. „We´ll figure it out. I´ll find a way." Sam was pleading now leaning into Dean´s touch.

„I need to go," Dean said with a blank expression on his face. Pain was written all over Sam´s face. Tears streamed down his cheeks. Dean wanted to whip them away, but it would be too intimate he thought. „You can´t just walk out and leave me alone." Sam was desperate.

„Why not ? You always seemed to be, perfectly fine with leaving me." Dean said harsh. Taking his hands gently of Sam´s face. Why he said those words to his brother he didn´t know. Then he disappeared. And no matter how much Sam screamed Dean wasn´t coming back. Yet again Sam lost the battle of saving his brother.


End file.
